Moving on.....

OK, so you tell me you like someone else. You have a new target. You are spending all your time and energy trying to impress her.

OK, so you really like the girl. You like her enough to want to start a relationship with her.
   
OK, so you have moved on officially with her. You have plastered happy pictures of the two of you all over the place, openly declaring your happiness, awesomeness and whatnot with each other.

OK, so your year has ended on a really high note and your new year started with a bang, with such promising and exciting journey ahead.

And what about me?

Let me tell you about me.
 
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Ever since you started becoming cold towards me,

Ever since you stopped calling me baby,

Ever since you stopped telling me you miss me,

Ever since you told me you have been on a guilt trip,

Ever since you said you couldn't see us together,

I have been losing sleep.

I have been losing focus at work.

I have stopped eating well.

I have lost 5kg. I can't fit into my clothes anymore.

I have cried a river.

My body is stressed to the brink of collapsing. Besides the heartache and headache, I had diarrhoea and been dry retching everyday.

I have broken down at work.

I have had to see a clinical psychologist.

I have lost all sense of directions.

I have lost my self-confidence and self-worth and self-motivation.

I am full of doubts and confused and frustrated and angry and upset.

I spent my holidays, what is meant to be the happiest holidays of the season, not knowing what to do, staring into blank space, seeking comfort and solace from friends and family, thinking of you and the girl, hating you, missing you, hating you again, missing you next...the cycle continues.

I ended my year with a heartache and a broken soul and body and I ushered in the new year with a heartache, broken soul but healing body.

My friends have been speaking to me almost on a daily basis.

They tell me you are a dickhead, an asshole, a low life, a player etc.

They tell me you are not worth any of my tears, my thoughts, my care, my pain at all.

They tell me I got fucking played by you.

They tell me I am NOT to lose myself over you.

They tell me you were a big mistake in my life and I should never let myself do that again. Ever.

They tell me I need to be strong, stand strong and hold strong because what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

They tell me someone sooo much more better will come along and he will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

They tell me time will heal everything. EVERYTHING.

They tell me one day, I will not give a shit about you.

..........
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Yet,

It still tugs my heart when certain places, incidences, comments, songs, food remind me of our time together.

It still stabs my heart when I remember the promises and plans we made but will never take place now.

It still makes me want to call you when I am sitting in traffic on the way home.

It still is lonely at night when your voice isn't the last thing I hear before I go to sleep.

It still crumbles my soul knowing that we will never ever be the same again.

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Life definitely moves on.

Just like how you have moved on.

I am sleeping better now.

I am eating again slowly.

My focus at work is returning progressively.

I have stopped crying.

My body is healing.

I am building back my self-worth, self-motivation, self-confidence.

I am praying for inner peace.

I am seeking my purpose in life.

I am finding my feet again, slowly but surely.   

I read, I laugh, I smile, I make jokes, I sing, I dance, I smell the flowers, I listen to the sound of the wind, I dress up, I make up, I exercise.

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I will be fine.

I have been through worse and I have come out of the worst alive and kicking.

I will be myself again.

I will be happy.

And I will be happy because of me, not because of anyone else.