2 years on......

I still have feelings for you but you don't for me.

I like the attention you give to me but I know it's not permanent, it's not exclusive. 

I don't get straight answers from you.

I get hot and cold from you.

The amount of times I have unfriended and friended and blocked and unblocked you is hitting record times.

Why, at this point after all we have been through together, we still can't be honest with each other? Is there really a need to hide things?

You don't get why I get mad easily.

................

It is because I still love you. 

But I really think I can only love you from afar. 

Enough

It’s been 10 months. 

For you, it’s been a long time, I surely have gotten over you.

For me, I have been suffering for that amount of time.

You’re told to stay away from me. Instead you were more in my face than ever before.

Daily texts, long phone calls before sleeping, breakfasts, coffee breaks, ice cream rendezvous.

I am to take as much blame, I have to admit. It only takes a moment of weakness to succumb into the temptation of being in your company again.

Kisses on the forehead.

Light up your night with my smile.

Wishing I was there with you.

But you are just fucking playing with me. Over and over again.

How do you not realise that this is inappropriate?

How do you not know that this hurts me?

Why do you keep hurting me when you say you only want me to be happy?

Cutting you off and not cutting you off both pains me.

Either way, I am miserable.

No single human being has made me cry as much as you have.

You are a bad person. You hear me loud and clear.

You can go and run into the arms of the love of your life.

But, I am left with myself to deal with.

Enough is enough.

You have caused me more pain and misery than you ever gave me happiness.

Think we are finally through.

So much for not being ready

I naively agreed to a dinner gathering with a bunch of friends, only to find out at the last minute that you were bringing her along. Knowing you, I should have known earlier. But there was no way I could back out at that time without looking or sounding like I was avoiding meeting her. 

So I gritted my teeth and went along with it. I decided I was going to be gracious. For my own sake.

I was introduced to her and we exchanged hi’s. That was about it for the rest of the night. 

Admittedly, I refrained myself from looking at the two of you. Especially when you guys are displaying acts of affection with each other. I avoided circumstances where I would have had to make conversations with her. 

At the end of the day, I thought I did well. I thought I held and presented myself extremely well, without having to be pretentious or faking friendliness. I laughed and joked with my friends. I didn’t show any negative type of emotions or behaviours. 

But,

I was just wondering what you were thinking bringing her along.

I know I have a heart bigger than the universe.

I know we are on talking terms.

But to meet her and to acknowledge your new relationship are fairly tough tasks for even the biggest heart on earth.

Nonetheless, it is a step forward for me.

I just need to learn to keep my emotions in check and seek for that inner peace.

Because one day, I should be happy for you too.

   

I am not ready

Due to a commitment we both made a long time ago, I actually had to see him on almost a weekly basis for quite a few months now. Sometimes it would be just the two of us, sometimes there would be few others around. We would have meals together, we would talk, laugh and joke around.  

Due to the same commitment, we still messaged and called each other occasionally. 

It was not hard for this to happen, because she was not there. 

It was acceptable for me, because we do not speak of her.

I was able to cope with these ‘meetings’, because I kept it as platonic as I can, as casual as it can be and I cared as little as I could.

I don’t think I have a magnanimous heart where I can forgive and forget just like that. Yet, I am not a hateful person either, that I must continue to shut him out of my life and despise everything related to him.

I find it difficult to express my feelings in words.  I feel that I contradict myself constantly whenever I am with or without him. 

At times, I would feel this huge relief in me that at that point in time, I would be ready to meet her and be all friendly with her.       

At times, I would feel quite upset and disgusted at his past actions that I would want to hear nothing of her or of him or of them together and I would feel like I just want to scream at him for making my life miserable.

At times, I would feel so dejected that I am no longer the apple of his eye anymore.

At times, I would feel blessed that he still regards me as his close friend. 

At times, he’s just a douchebag.

There were a couple of close calls.

Once, my friend (whom I was about to meet at the same venue) bumped into the two of them. My friend eventually got a table downstairs and we were seated downstairs when I arrived later. I prayed and prayed I would not bump into them on their way out. It didn’t help my anxiety that we went to that same restaurant on our first date. 

Another time, at the same bloody venue (I am clearly never going back to that restaurant anymore), I walked in with my friend, looking for a table to be seated. I saw his back and then I saw her face. And then I told my friend that we are going somewhere else. 

Yes, it is my self-defence and self-protective mechanisms at work here.

I actually needed to walk out of a restaurant to avoid being face-to-face with the two of them together.

So deep down I know, I am not ready.

      

Thinking.....

As I come across pictures of you and your girl celebrating your anniversaries month after month, and yes I love to inflict unnecessary pain like that onto myself, I can’t help but just start thinking again. Thinking why, thinking how, thinking what could have been, thinking what should have been, thinking why is this still bothering me, thinking how I can’t forget about this piece of shit, thinking about why I still yearn for you, thinking, thinking and thinking….. 

I. Just. Kept.Thinking.

I know this is not healthy for me.

I know this is definitely not a step forward for me.

I know I need to let these thoughts go to some far away planet and never come back.

I know I need to drag myself out of this shithole.

And I know I can do it.

You treated me well, yet you betrayed my trust.

You were a gentleman in every way, yet you were a piece of shit when you left me.

You showered me with love and affection, yet you became cold when she came along.

You said you genuinely liked me, but really you just fucking played me.

You have well and truly moved on now,

SO SHOULD I.  

 

Bittersweet

5 months have passed by. 

Not a single day went by without the thoughts of you lingering in my head.  I have to say I am better now. I sleep a lot better. My eating habits have normalised. I can look at your updates and pictures now without having to deal with a heavy lump in my throat or a tug of my fragile yet healing heart.

I have learned to control my thoughts and emotions more effectively. I am still learning. But I still do think of you and her, of you and me, of us, of you. I don’t know why, it doesn’t do me any good, yet I can’t control it sometimes.

Today, now, I think of you and I think of us and I reminisce the many wonderful moments we once shared. And I wish I could still have those moments again.

Today, is a bittersweet day.