My life changed that night you walked out on me

Things started to go downhill since the beginning of 2011.
Career wise:
- I did not get the job I really wanted.
- I failed to get an interview for another job.
- I was not successful at the interview for a position I have been doing for the past 3 years.
- Things went pearshaped with the bosses at my workplace, compromise could not be reached.
- Eventually I resigned.

Relationship wise:
- Things didn't work out. Enough said.

Since March, I have had my heart broken for the 100th times, quit my job, packed my house in which I have lived for the last 4 years, packed my bags and left the country.

My life changed that night you walked out on me.

As much as I try to deny it, there definitely is no doubt that I left the country because of you.
As much as I say I hated work and I really did, I stopped coping because of you.
As much as I want to re-evaluate my directions in life, I am running away from you and the memories of you.
As much as I know you don't love me, I still miss you every single day.
As much as I know I have to forget you, the thoughts of you keep popping up in my head.
As much as I am smiling on the outside, my heart still hurts so badly.

Will this pain ever go away.....

21 suggestions for success (by H. Jackson Brown Jr)

1. Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.

2. Work at something you enjoy and that's worthy of your time and talent.

3. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

4. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know

5. Be forgiving of yourself and others.

6. Be generous.

7. Have a grateful heart.

8. Persistence, persistence and persistence.

9. Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary.

10. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.

11. Commit yourself to constant improvement.

12. Commit yourself to quality.

13. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power or prestige but on relationships with people you love and respect.

14. Be loyal.

15. Be honest.

16. Be a self-starter.

17. Be decisive even if it means you'll sometimes be wrong.

18. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life.

19. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.

20. Take good care of those you love.

21. Don't do anything that wouldn't make your mum proud.

Ever since you walked away.....

:: I have so many thoughts running through my mind. My mind has been going into overdrive, I thought it might explode because it just wouldn't stop.

What was the real reason for this? Did you ever care about me? Does it hurt you too? Do you feel miserable too? How can you hold me and then turn your back on me? What is going through your mind?

:: I have stopped defending you. Because you give me no reason to continue defending your actions anymore. My friends call you a coward, a dousche bag, they call you stupid and crazy. Before, I still had reasons to stand up for you. There's no need for that now.

:: I am making plans to leave the country. It's a decision I can't not make. Everything that I do, anything which I see, places I go to, people I see, even my own house has your image and memories of us plastered all over them. I can't even bring myself to sit in my own living room ever since I stood there in your arms, trying hard not to let you go, but you left anyway. I will never forget that fateful night.

:: Life became a bit harder for me. But it was not even close to matching the hardship and suffering that the Japanese have to endure. So I will stand up and stand strong because I can. I still have my family, my awesome friends, I still have a home waiting for me with open arms. So no, I will not give up just because of you.

:: I do still miss you...every single moment of the day.....

Some things never change

I vowed to walk away and never look back, only to find myself slowly being sucked back into this never ending whirlwind of emotions. I guess some things never change, or more like I don't want it to change. I do want myself to change because I know this ain't going nowhere, but at the same time I refuse to let it go because of the simple joy of being with you.

I wonder if it is ever possible for us to walk away from each other.

Busy April

The month is going by really quickly.

It's been 4 weeks since I last spoke to you.

I have so much to do in the span of the next 2 weeks!

I need to:
1. Finish 2 uni assignments of 3000 words each
2. Come up with 1 proper inservice for my team and 1 mini inservice, both on the same week!
3. Work on a Sunday
4. Entertain friends visiting from overseas
5. Somehow take my car for her 6th month service.

S-T-R-E-S-S

This is my reply to you.

Many many years ago, someone wise taught me a very good principle to life, even till this day I still try to strive for. The serenity prayer says 'Accept the things I cannot change, Change the things that I can'. This constantly reminds me that I am not and do not need to be in control of everything/everyone in my life and that I am no longer trying to fix or change situations/people that cannot and will not change no matter how much effort I put into it. If I realise and accept that I just have to let something/someone be, I can then devote my time and energy to those things I can really influence and change for the better. This does not mean I walk away from every situation, but it means I know when to say enough is enough.

Religion/faith is a topic I do not like to dwell on much because of its moot point. But since you brought it up, I might as well ramble on. I do not understand for the tiny life of me how or why this thing called religion is causing such a divide in the world and in humanity. Don't even get me started on the amount of bloodshed, lost lives, torn countries, starving children and broken families as a result of differences in faith. Is this really the essence of religion? If all religion teaches and upholds peace, harmony, tolerance and love as they claim they do, then why are people engaging in acts and deeds that are promoting the exact opposite of what they say they preach? This is by no means a personal attack on you or on your religion, but this is probably exactly why you should choose someone of the same faith and not hang around cynics like me. It is also perhaps unfortunate that no one has tried to change the way I understand religion.

I still can't quite garner how things between us have become so complicated. I don't understand how or why is it confusing that I opened the door for you that night. To be honest, I have not been able to come to grips with my own feelings. You are right, you have crept far into my emotional sphere without me even realising it. In the past 2 weeks, there were times when I wanted to call you to tell you that I have finally fixed my own computer myself and it works so much better now, or when I wanted to ask you whether you had won your last basketball game, or how your graduation went. I had so much to tell/ask you but I knew I could not do that anymore if I were determined to let this go.

Maybe I don't show it much but I am a selfish girl too. I don't think I can bear the thought of you having a connection with a third or fourth person. At least not now. I accept that I am not able to change your faith but I am going to try to deal with my own emotions and feelings. Until I have done that, I atcually do not know how to face you, let alone be good friends with you. However I do appreciate your honesty and the explanation. As to how to move on from here, I guess I still need some time and space.