I am not ready

Due to a commitment we both made a long time ago, I actually had to see him on almost a weekly basis for quite a few months now. Sometimes it would be just the two of us, sometimes there would be few others around. We would have meals together, we would talk, laugh and joke around.  

Due to the same commitment, we still messaged and called each other occasionally. 

It was not hard for this to happen, because she was not there. 

It was acceptable for me, because we do not speak of her.

I was able to cope with these ‘meetings’, because I kept it as platonic as I can, as casual as it can be and I cared as little as I could.

I don’t think I have a magnanimous heart where I can forgive and forget just like that. Yet, I am not a hateful person either, that I must continue to shut him out of my life and despise everything related to him.

I find it difficult to express my feelings in words.  I feel that I contradict myself constantly whenever I am with or without him. 

At times, I would feel this huge relief in me that at that point in time, I would be ready to meet her and be all friendly with her.       

At times, I would feel quite upset and disgusted at his past actions that I would want to hear nothing of her or of him or of them together and I would feel like I just want to scream at him for making my life miserable.

At times, I would feel so dejected that I am no longer the apple of his eye anymore.

At times, I would feel blessed that he still regards me as his close friend. 

At times, he’s just a douchebag.

There were a couple of close calls.

Once, my friend (whom I was about to meet at the same venue) bumped into the two of them. My friend eventually got a table downstairs and we were seated downstairs when I arrived later. I prayed and prayed I would not bump into them on their way out. It didn’t help my anxiety that we went to that same restaurant on our first date. 

Another time, at the same bloody venue (I am clearly never going back to that restaurant anymore), I walked in with my friend, looking for a table to be seated. I saw his back and then I saw her face. And then I told my friend that we are going somewhere else. 

Yes, it is my self-defence and self-protective mechanisms at work here.

I actually needed to walk out of a restaurant to avoid being face-to-face with the two of them together.

So deep down I know, I am not ready.